The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
