i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
