I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
