Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
