Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
