I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
