cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
