who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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