Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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