I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
