I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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