Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
