Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
