Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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