Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
