I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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