He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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