Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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