even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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