I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I checked into jail on foursquare
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
