I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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