Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
