When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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