i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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