he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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