Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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