Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
