Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh god it's open bar.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
