This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
