guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
