just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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