Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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