we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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