i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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