she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
