I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
