somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
