I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
