What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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