I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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