she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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