I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
