all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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