Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
