Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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