how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
