She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
