please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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