you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
ok first of all what the fuck
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
