Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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