gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
